cant wait till i get my own laptop. wont have to argue with my adik over the computer. and wont have my family poking their noses in my business!
cant remember whatever it was i initially wanted to blog about but nvm, i have other things in mind now.
i can never get my room to be clean. not only because i'm lazy, but when i'm actually trying to clear my stuff away i find it hard to throw anything away. i'm a sentimental person and i like to keep stuff. even the small things, and i dont mean literal small. heck, even throwing my school worksheets and notes are like.... i dont wanna do it :( i put so much effort in them you know!
ok maybe except for amaths. i feel bad for amaths. hi amaths, i'm so sorry i gave up on you. saying i never wanted to would be a lie, cause that was what i was thinking of eversince the beginning of sec four. i feel bad that i didnt want to put more effort into you. if i could redo all that, believe me, i would.
and the reason i gave up? it made me feel like a failure, which i was. but not only a failure in amaths, but in every aspect. it reminded me on of the things i've tried and failed at. how horrible it felt to try so hard and yet never improve. i was very emotional about it. amaths demoralised me and made me didnt want to study, or in fact, do anything about anything. it was that bad. sometimes i'd always laugh it off like 'hah yeah failed again, whats new huh' but it really did get to me. those feelings i used to have, ones i experienced long ago that i never want to experience again, came back. so yeah, wasnt strong enough to face them again so i took the easy way out and gave up.
side note; it fucking annoys me when people dont close my room door after going out. what more if they keep walking in and out. i cant stand it. just had to get that off my chest.
so back to topic. actually no, next point. which is somehow related to the feelings part but nothing to do with the cleaning or amaths part.
many years ago i had a big issue with self esteem and whatever you could ever think about how people viewed me and how i felt about myself, stuff like that. being the paranoid overthinking freak that i am, i never felt good enough for anyone or anything. plus i wasnt the same size as i am now back then, i used to be so much rounder. how would you feel if you were already insecure about everything and your brothers call you fat every single day?
in a way i never had friends who stuck around throughout the years in primary school. no real friends as people would say. only came when they needed me, if not i'd be ignored. being totally shy and quiet never helped at all. i never had the guts to approach anyone or make any friends. yeah, that bad. i was never happy with myself. for being so shy. so quiet. for constantly being ignored. for not being good enough to anyone. i made myself think nobody wanted to stick around cause i wasnt worth a friend. i didnt feel worthy for anything. that no one cared and i didnt matter. i blamed myself for things being how they were and for the predicament i was in, and made myself miserable as 'punishment'. fucking cried everyday. i even hurt myself. my mind was pretty messed. very messed up actually.
i never shared these feelings with anyone. how could i? it was these same people around me that, in a way, was causing me to feel the way i did. i knew they didnt care and i didnt wanna bother them and have them think of me as a whiney insecure crack. so i kept to myself, putting on a facade. and it was like this till about sec 2. i finally got over that bullcrap. it took a lot and it took a long time.
see why i always remove my archives?
every now and then these feelings come back and when they do i cannot bear to deal with them. i used to always hold everything in till the end of the night and cry myself to sleep but i cant do that now. when i have to cry i just break into tears on the spot, and i just did. thinking about this matter always make me do so.
this is also why i'm so insecure and why i struggle with some things. the reason behind the way i am sometimes. why i was so afraid to develop feelings for anyone. why i cannot stand to have certain things happen. the reason i dont judge anyone. the reason i make it a point to be nice to everyone i meet. you never know what they might be feeling, what they might be going through. your nice gesture, thoughtful action or kind act might possibly make them feel a little better. i cannot stand for people being mean to others.
i'm glad i've learnt to manage my thoughts and feelings a better. thing is, now i kinda cant control my feelings. when i feel angry i need to blow up that moment if not i'll cry. if i'm feeling emotional at that moment i'll start to cry. if i'm happy i'll start laughing for no reason. stuff like that. and the emotions switch back and forth from one end of the spectrum to the other really quickly. well at least its better than being forever sad :)
but you know what hurts most? when your family think its funny to mock you. even though i'm no longer that person, my family still thinks i'm the same. they laugh at me whenever i tell them what i want to do, like maybe be a psychologist one day. especially my mum. she laughed at me saying, 'you, psychologist? you cant even talk to people'. or when i told her i've always wanted to learn how to dance and i wanna join dance in poly. she said, 'dont embarrass yourself lah, you cant dance'. i dont want to remember any other occations cause its making me cry but my point is, you are my family members. why do you take pleasure in belittling my dreams? do you know how much it hurts when you say such things? how it makes me feel when the very people i love dont believe in me, and actually think its funny to make a mockery out of me and how i am? no, you obviously dont. so let me say, its not exactly the best feeling in the world. it really hurts.
that aside. realize that i always post photos like these every once in awhile?
because i want you to realize how lovely you are. i want you to know that you are loved, and that i will always be here for you. everyone needs a reminder sometimes :)
also partly the reason why i look up to Kimmi Smiles so much. she truly is a wonderful, strong and inspirational person ♥
and why i want to study psychology!!! the counselling sessions i had for abit really opened my eyes and sparked my interest.
aha, this has been a really long, emotional and boring post. never have i openly shared these feelings even though i've harbored them for years. thank you for reading till the end if you did, you now know a gallon full dont you?
to end it off!
Poreotics make your booty go,